Oldness

When I was young, I didn’t worry too much about getting old. Longevity doesn’t run in my family. My dad died at 42; my mother at 57. Both my brothers died far too young. The older one was 60; the younger one was 50. I only had one grandparent who lived to be over 70. That was my dad’s father. My mother always said he was too mean to die.

Last month I had my 64th birthday. I never expected to reach this age. There are several things about it that I don’t like. I don’t like that my skin is so wrinkled. I should have stopped smoking earlier I suppose. My hair has thinned on top. It is said that some of the medication I take causes that problem. It’s probably just because my hormones aren’t doing whatever it is that hormones are meant to do. I don’t mind having it turn gray but I dislike the different texture of the gray.

When I was young I could put on my jeans standing up. If I try that now, I lose my balance. Now I have to sit down, put my feet in the legs, and then stand to pull them up. When I was young I could get into the car with one fluid motion. Now I get one leg and one hip in and then have to pull the other leg in after. It’s not a pretty sight I’m sure. My lips have thinned, my eyelashes are stubby, and I buy ugly shoes that are comfortable.

The absolute worst thing for me is my unreliable memory. I seem to spend several hours a day looking for things. I have trouble remembering what day it is. I have to think about what I saw on television the night before. I lose words. Names flee my mind hiding in the deepest recesses of my brain. I can never remember if I closed the garage door. Many times I have had to return home to check only to find that I had closed it. I don’t think I have ever left it open; it’s something I do automatically so I don’t remember doing it.

Today I made beef stew and we ate about 3:00 in the afternoon. We had to leave by 3:45 to stay with the grandchildren while their parents went to a parent-teacher conference. We then went to Owen’s last baseball game. About half way into the game, it occurred to me that I didn’t remember turning off the pot of stew. I couldn’t just leave the game to check. The park is 20 to 25 minutes away from our house. Mr. Fixit said he would have noticed if it was on because he had turned off the light over the stove. He wasn’t 100% sure. I worried myself silly until I turned the corner near our house and saw that it was still standing and there was no sign that the fire department had been there.

Yes, there are things I detest about getting old, but, as it has been said, it beats the alternative.