What Am I Missing?

Yesterday’s topic on “Times Goes By” was “How It Is to Be Old.” I read the comments with increasing wonderment and awe, and the feeling that I am out of step with “happy”  old people. And I am very envious of those who commented.

Most wrote of having time to savor and relish the simple things in life, marriages that get better, more wisdom, emotional mellowing, tranquility, self-awareness,  the lessening of responsibilities and obligations, more patience, and less angst in general.

To me having time, wisdom, tranquility,  patience, fewer responsibilities are beyond my reach. I never have enough time to do all the things that should be done. The only wisdom I have developed came when I thought about my own past mistakes. I don’t think I want to share my past mistakes with anyone if I try to impart my wisdom to others. Tranquility is elusive. It’s more than elusive; I think sometimes it’s purposefully hiding from me. The responsibilities are onerous. Self-awareness? I don’t have time or even the inclination for self-reflection. If I did do a little reflection,I might not like what I see. And angst—I didn’t really know how tough things can get sometimes. Believe me, I know it now as time gets even shorter. Being mellow isn’t me either. This getting old business is the cause of several of my private, mini-breakdowns. The financial outlook alone is very worrisome. Sometimes it feels as if a financial catastrophe is just waiting to pounce.

Do I still savor the simple things in life? Of course, I do. The grace of a hawk circling in the sky, knowing that my grandchildren are excelling, walking on the beach at sunset and hearing the lapping on the waves on the shore. I just threw in the beach stuff. I hate the beach and sand in uncomfortable places. Reading is a pleasure though I find I have less patience for long, protracted plots. I also have very little patience with rude, crude, loud,and wishy-washy people. I have much less patience than I did when I was young. I cherish the small amount of time I have alone, but I wouldn’t want to have an abundance of alone-time.

Am I unhappy? I don’t think so, but after some reflection, I’m not sure I’m happy either by some standards. (I knew reflection wasn’t a good idea.) I just keep on keeping on and do the best that I can. I’m not quite ready for the alternative.